So, the thing is... A Great Grinchly Plot

December 21, 2007

 

People/ Gentle Readers,

 

There is a grave threat to the American way of life.  I am not talking about terrorists or waterboarding or a Starbucks on every corner.  No, this is even more insidious.

 

I am talking about the plot by the United Parcel Service to steal Christmas.

 

In the past I have loved the UPS delivery people.  So friendly.  So natty in their brown uniforms. So forgiving of the signature that doesn't resemble human writing.  So willing to bear the fierce Texas heat to bring me my on-line purchases.  When the UPS guy brought my new camera this summer, I had an (albeit fleeting) impulse to kiss him on the mouth.

 

But then I started to notice something. I began to have a sneaking suspicion that was finally proven yesterday when seven, count them SEVEN, packages were delivered by the UPS delivery teams in three different shipments --and all of them after 4:00. Yes, three UPS trucks stopped at my house within a ten minute window...

 

And all of them came after my kids were already home from school.

 

It occurred to me that maybe the UPS guy didn't WANT my children to believe in Santa.

 

No, that can’t be!  Surely I was paranoid!

 

So I asked around among my mom friends.  And guess what?  Not a single one of them could remember getting a Christmas shipment before their kids were home from school when there was still time to sneak the stuff out of boxes and stash it in the attic.  Not one?

 

Not one.

 

Now my suspicions were all a-boil.  And then I found THIS, which looks like a unfinished, long-lost Dr. Seuss manuscript entitled, "How Brown Stole Christmas."

 

Every child

In Consumer-ville

Liked Christmas a lot...

 

But Brown

living in trucks all December

Did NOT!

 

Brown hated Christmas!  The whole Christmas season!

Now please don't ask why -- what we know stands to reason.

It could be they tire of deliveries past dark.

It could be they tire of canines that bark.

But I think the most likely reason of all

May have been all the shoppers on their way to the mall.

 

But,

Whatever the reason,

The dark or mall wilds,

They stood on Thanksgiving, hating the childs.

Staring down at their last warm meal of the year

Brown felt a very large pain in the rear!

For they knew down in C-ville were forged their upsetters

As children sat writing their Santa Claus letters.

 

"They're dictating their gift lists!" snarled Brown with a sneer.

"Next month it is Christmas!  It's practically here!"

Then they growled with their Brown fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

 

For

In December, they knew

All the parents of kids

Would order by cell phone.  They’d order on-line!

And then! Oh the over-time, over-time time!

That's one thing Brown hated! All the over-time time!

 

Then those consumers,

Young and old, would enjoy

Christmas presents all Christmas

Webkinz or Gameboy

 

Until a grown-up noticed

The new boots didn’t fit

The toy was bent badly

The tie looked like… poop

 

And then

They’d do something

Brown liked least of all

They’d package their gifts up and then make the call.

 

They’d call and they’d call and they’d

Call, call, call, call!

“Please send all these things,

Send them back to the mall!”

 

The more that Brown thought of this post-Christmas season

The more they saw Santa as some sort of lesion

“Why, for one hundred years, we’ve delivered their junk

We must find a method this myth to debunk

That Santa is coming and bringing gifts now

We must stop this Christmas from coming!

 

But HOW?”

 

Then Brown got an idea!

An awful idea!

THEN BROWN

GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!

 

“I know just what to do!” Brown laughed in their socks.

“This year we’ll deliver Christmas by clocks!”

And they chuckled and clucked, “What a great Brownie trick!

We’ll show them that giving takes more than a click!”

 

“All we need is a plan, dear…”

 Brown looked all around.

And slowly their plans ON BUSSES were found!

 

Then

Brown loaded up presents

And working wrist watches

Onto their Brown trucks

(Along with Vienna sausage.)

 

And then Brown said, “Giddy-up!”

And the trucks started to town

Toward homes where parents

Were waiting nervously ‘round.

 

Brown waited until the little kiddies departed

Their beloved school busses

And then they got started.

 

They rang all the doorbells

They knocked on the knockers

And nine out of ten times

Children were the Unlockers.

 

And little Janie-Lou Coop

When she answered the door

Looked frightened and saddish--

Confused to the core.

 

“Mommy,” she said, “Mommy, dear, why?

Why is Santa Claus coming today

Dressed in brown?”

“Mommy,” she trembled, “Is it all a big LIE?”

 

That’s where the manuscript ends.  Maybe Dr. Seuss got tired of that rhyme scheme (which, DUDES, is surprisingly difficult to write) or maybe he was getting a big headache. Or maybe he had a big plumbing leak under his sink three days before Christmas and was about to write an enormous check to a plumber (dressed in blue) to fix it before his mother-in-law arrived into town.  Maybe it was an early release day for Dr. Seuss’s children, too.  Or maybe, just maybe, Brown brought him his Christmas cards—FINALLY –and he needed to wish all of his readers a very happy holiday season and then get to work.

 

But I think, whatever his reasons,

the water or cards,

we can’t let Brown steal this season,

by STARS!

 

Let’s take back our Christmas,

Let’s show Brown we mind this,

And if all else fails, let’s kill ‘em with kindness.

 

We’ll hand them hot chocolate

We’ll tip them!  We’ll bake!

We’ll cage up the doggies

And give socks that we’ll MAKE!

 

We’ll make it so Brown loves Christmas time!

And next year, we’ll order ALL gift –giving on-line!

 

 

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(c) Barbara Cooper 2007

 

 

Barb Cooper is the mother of Ana (9) and Jane (7). She (currently) lives in Austin, Texas and she thinks all of her readers should ask themselves, “What can I do for Brown?” (Um, not to mention, “How long do you think it will take Barb Cooper to talk without rhyming again?  Will her family have her institutionalized first?") 

 

Barb would also like to mention that you can subscribe to her blog (http://www.sothethingisblog.blogspot.com) to get doses of moving angst and humor delivered to your in-box almost every single day!