December 21, 2007
People/ Gentle Readers,
There is a grave threat to the American way of life. I am not talking about terrorists or waterboarding or a Starbucks on every corner. No, this is even more insidious.
I am talking about the plot by the United Parcel Service to steal Christmas.
In the past I have loved the UPS delivery people. So friendly. So natty in their brown uniforms. So forgiving of the signature that doesn't resemble human writing. So willing to bear the fierce Texas heat to bring me my on-line purchases. When the UPS guy brought my new camera this summer, I had an (albeit fleeting) impulse to kiss him on the mouth.
But then I started to notice something. I began to have a sneaking suspicion that was finally proven yesterday when seven, count them SEVEN, packages were delivered by the UPS delivery teams in three different shipments --and all of them after 4:00. Yes, three UPS trucks stopped at my house within a ten minute window...
And all of them came after my kids were already home from school.
It occurred to me that maybe the UPS guy didn't WANT my children to believe in Santa.
No, that can’t be! Surely I was paranoid!
So I asked around among my mom friends. And guess what? Not a single one of them could remember getting a Christmas shipment before their kids were home from school when there was still time to sneak the stuff out of boxes and stash it in the attic. Not one?
Now my suspicions were all a-boil. And then I found THIS, which looks like a unfinished, long-lost Dr. Seuss manuscript entitled, "How Brown Stole Christmas."
Liked Christmas a lot...
living in trucks all December
Brown hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now please don't ask why -- what we know stands to reason.
It could be they tire of deliveries past dark.
It could be they tire of canines that bark.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been all the shoppers on their way to the mall.
Whatever the reason,
The dark or mall wilds,
They stood on Thanksgiving, hating the childs.
Staring down at their last warm meal of the year
Brown felt a very large pain in the rear!
For they knew down in C-ville were forged their upsetters
As children sat writing their Santa Claus letters.
"They're dictating their gift lists!" snarled Brown with a sneer.
"Next month it is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then they growled with their Brown fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
In December, they knew
All the parents of kids
Would order by cell phone. They’d order on-line!
And then! Oh the over-time, over-time time!
That's one thing Brown hated! All the over-time time!
Then those consumers,
Young and old, would enjoy
Christmas presents all Christmas
Webkinz or Gameboy
Until a grown-up noticed
The new boots didn’t fit
The toy was bent badly
The tie looked like… poop
They’d do something
Brown liked least of all
They’d package their gifts up and then make the call.
They’d call and they’d call and they’d
Call, call, call, call!
“Please send all these things,
Send them back to the mall!”
The more that Brown thought of this post-Christmas season
The more they saw Santa as some sort of lesion
“Why, for one hundred years, we’ve delivered their junk
We must find a method this myth to debunk
That Santa is coming and bringing gifts now
We must stop this Christmas from coming!
Then Brown got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” Brown laughed in their socks.
“This year we’ll deliver Christmas by clocks!”
And they chuckled and clucked, “What a great Brownie trick!
We’ll show them that giving takes more than a click!”
“All we need is a plan, dear…”
Brown looked all around.
And slowly their plans ON BUSSES were found!
Brown loaded up presents
And working wrist watches
Onto their Brown trucks
(Along with Vienna sausage.)
And then Brown said, “Giddy-up!”
And the trucks started to town
Toward homes where parents
Were waiting nervously ‘round.
Brown waited until the little kiddies departed
Their beloved school busses
And then they got started.
They rang all the doorbells
They knocked on the knockers
And nine out of ten times
Children were the Unlockers.
And little Janie-Lou Coop
When she answered the door
Looked frightened and saddish--
Confused to the core.
“Mommy,” she said, “Mommy, dear, why?
“Why is Santa Claus coming today
Dressed in brown?”
“Mommy,” she trembled, “Is it all a big LIE?”
That’s where the manuscript ends. Maybe Dr. Seuss got tired of that rhyme scheme (which, DUDES, is surprisingly difficult to write) or maybe he was getting a big headache. Or maybe he had a big plumbing leak under his sink three days before Christmas and was about to write an enormous check to a plumber (dressed in blue) to fix it before his mother-in-law arrived into town. Maybe it was an early release day for Dr. Seuss’s children, too. Or maybe, just maybe, Brown brought him his Christmas cards—FINALLY –and he needed to wish all of his readers a very happy holiday season and then get to work.
But I think, whatever his reasons,
the water or cards,
we can’t let Brown steal this season,
Let’s take back our Christmas,
Let’s show Brown we mind this,
And if all else fails, let’s kill ‘em with kindness.
We’ll hand them hot chocolate
We’ll tip them! We’ll bake!
We’ll cage up the doggies
And give socks that we’ll MAKE!
We’ll make it so Brown loves Christmas time!
And next year, we’ll order ALL gift –giving on-line!
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(c) Barbara Cooper 2007
Barb Cooper is the mother of Ana (9) and Jane (7). She (currently) lives in Austin, Texas and she thinks all of her readers should ask themselves, “What can I do for Brown?” (Um, not to mention, “How long do you think it will take Barb Cooper to talk without rhyming again? Will her family have her institutionalized first?")